Fruitful 2017

2017 was an amazing year to me. 

I started my year with hesitation and anxiety.  With the lack of self-confidence I stepped out of what others considered as my own “comfort zone”.  There were challenges and opportunities followed, but I took them as lessons to cultivate my personal growth.  I cautiously progressed with bit by bit accomplishments, built up trust within myself gradually, earned my respect from others along the way, and turned out to be a better me.  I enjoyed very much the recognition by the people I worked with.  I appreciate that very much; so I am not the idiot I used to be portrayed as before.  I even dare to leap forward into another zone of uncertainty before end of the year.  This time I know I am positive of whatever ahead, and hungry for opportunities that would allow me to excel.  I am satisfied with what I have earned in the year.

I also took lessons for my personality.  Things seldom go as planned or expected.  I was taught not to expect others to share my interests and value, and enjoy as much as I would or anticipate.  I learnt to retreat, stay calm and respect myself.

In contrast, many hopes were fulfilled, but were just not as awaited.  That is life, so as to be, and just live with it.  In addition, surprise always beats disappointment due to overlooked prospect.

Anyway it was a fruitful year.  Despite the 60% increment of my pay in a year, I lived more happily with self-esteem built under nobody’s dark shadow. 

I just wish I can stay home more with my loved in 2018.  

IE in HR

My first time in life working in HR started last week.  Yes, an Industrial Engineer in HR; people around me gave me puzzled looks, asked me "embarrassing" questions, discussed my purposes and suspected my intention behind my back.  In conclusion, I seemed to be simply wrong in place.

I know exactly what I want and what I am doing.  I am still practicing as an IE no doubt.  I have a clear mind with thoughts before joining the Group and taking up my position.  Throughout the week I collected and browsed through the information left untouched for years.  I slowly put the puzzle pieces together and projected a "clearer" picture of why I am here for.  I am more confident than before that I am capable serving my duties and contributing to the Group.  It is a right decision for mutual benefits.

With a "young" face some colleagues in IED even wondered if I have just graduated from college.  Oh ya, 12 years ago maybe?  Or at least 3 years since I was granted my MBA?  I kept these in mind without any word spoken of course. 

Such impression quickly dissolved after factory tour with me.  On the way through I earned my credits for the position I was entitled with just simple questions.  They can tell I am an IE with experiences.

I must admit it was not easy to tour in maze even with determination and a clear mind.  I regard my will to overcome mental and physical challenges equips me with capabilities and capacities that support me to get my way out of any maze.  As long as such mentality is there, I know I am good to play in whatever circumstances.  I am prepared for any unforeseeable challenge ahead.

終於

有種感覺很微妙，不是什麼成就感，也不是因為得到而獲得的喜悅，更不是釋懷，就只是普普通通完成了，就這樣。

等了很久，十多年，可能更久，一直渴望，就是這樣走一趟，沒什麼特別也不需太刻意。就這樣。

但碰巧是時間關係，這次這時機的意義有點不一樣。有種欠踏實、抽離的感覺。在渴望、期待的同時當前局勢皆為未知之素根本就暗藏隱憂的情況下，就這樣走完，有恐懼有憂慮，每步都一步一小心。無可否認是帶著意外的壓力走完此程的。

人心不足蛇吞象，其實每人得到碗麵就想要鍋魚翅，是正常的，只是我心智未夠成熟，以為眾生皆一樣，是我低智，會經一事長一智。

就如17年前一樣，what's next? 有種空虛感。但我最少領悟，別期待太多。

十年；重演

對上一次，是十年前了。

同樣，心意已決，堅定。

Sent了email，printed out 放於其案上，wechat reminded (as usual)，沒反應沒回應，good.  翌日，我去KH's office face-to-face找他.  寒暄，問原因。工作?  不滿?  同事?  Last day?  That's it. 

好，既然confirmed，知會DC，多謝他給的機會；再通知DH，多謝一直關照，亦免得H131個visit出亂套。

下午，KH突然說未一起吃過飯，請食dinner。Dinner中直言BY叫他找我，我一早feel到，實在突然嘛。寒暄，開門見山，工作時間、待遇、部門可談，回去再考慮。

父親問；維持原判。

先是KH，再是DH，也是Dinner。下週吧。

較KH那頓，較自然。也是開門見山，今次更直接，直言受RC和TC所託，工作時間、待遇、職位、部門可談，連工程部宏觀都分享，公司架構發展都透露、討論。互套期間，聽其言，知其作，思其行，悟其為。何以雞飛狗走，不對路，糖衣毒藥是也。

父親又問；維持原判，更堅定，因我看的是機會。

後HR通知所有港職從此週首日開工時間調整，err...

再找KH，reconfirmed，走。

又過了幾天，Gen Sec called，BY 有請。即滾過去。

先是衷心感激BY他恩賜的機會、栽培與忍耐；再多謝公司。BY告知當時first in個post我是不行，但SL特意推薦覺得我年輕有可為，如他也覺ok先收再安排。IE部就此誕生。而原本是先附生產，取經驗，學技術，屆時生產、工程、甚至其他都可以，再安排。又，就日前剛簽HKPC上i4.0，DC只是原contact person，但實際以後是會安排給我去lead。再之，i4.0要打的基本，就是我5個月前proposed的，將會提供很多support來完成。基本上，只要留下，一切可談；之前adjustment答應沒落實全是誤會，絕對沒問題，可backdate，去reject。

風平浪靜幾天，絲微忐忑，DH突然wechat追問，告知BY找過我，未覆。

靜。

父親再問；confirmed，走；前路是世界最大成衣製造商呀~

未懂怎覆，突然BY來電，還是走；NO；卻推不了。猶疑，發牢騷，告知所困，得支持，感慰籍，充滿正能量，堅決，走。午後去BY's office找他，face-to-face，以家事為盾，走。出去可以再回來，屢見不怪，以後還可以再合作；多謝。握手。

多謝，真心多謝你。多謝你使我意志堅決。無論所選是禍是福，我都欣然，都會平心接受、克服。

與十年前一樣，決定了還是決定了，最終不改。當年年少氣盛，覺得VPs和big VP來談，是肯定，足矣。時次，有direct、indirect bosses，再有big boss，不過不是心足，卻是心鬱，感恩中帶愧疚。雖得認同但無以為報。

Sorry.

彭羚 x 容祖兒 - 心淡 @《CONCERT YY黃偉文作品展》

幾時聽都有feel

家(?)

就這樣過了9個月，我對"家"的印象、感覺越變模糊。一星期兩日兩夜在香港，五日五夜在東莞，究竟我真的家在哪?  是哪個?

我肯定的是香港的家有妻女；而東莞的是個暫居地，加上平日忙碌的生活，就只能說是生活所需。

混亂，同樣，也覺懊惱，更覺無奈。我真的想有個像樣的家。

原諒我的不自在，求妳們。

敢．感

仁生有一種感概我唔識用文字嚟形容。

好忙好忙忙到想早一個鐘走人都無機會，準時收工由公司仆/碌落銅鑼灣聽個Seminar無計要遲大到，聽完未食飯好肚餓但都係囉，諗住撞彩上去博搵本書又竟然俾我搵到😚，而俾錢時等緊process payment望下前面，咦喂咁熟面口嘅，呢啲咪幾個月前我跟嗰幾個sites做嘅products😕... 呢度歪咗…，花呀好麻煩好複雜呀…，呢張係平版嗰張…，其實睇落又真係好靚…… 嘩，係你啦，多得你我嗰次俾阿頭sent咗上去JX，不過睇個襟花呢個版本又好似係YY版喎😂

望住呢咋有汗幾乎有淚放喺貨架擺到咁靚嘅???(麻煩友/friends/阿仔阿女/小魔怪/米飯班主/棘手嘢, etc. 總之唔識形容……)，心情好矛盾囉。

係喇，與其話係感概，不如話係感觸😏

呢啲咪我過去7個月嘅經歷囉😂

以後行Toysrus，我估感覺可能仲好玩

😅

Memory

Memory is about the past; experiences and commitments.  Commitment made with sincerity yet fails to fulfill is always in my mind.  I could not forget the one I made years ago.  It was well planned, organized and prepared, but failed to be executed due to the misfortune at that time. 

I always try to be ignorant to every single incident or object that can trigger and remind me about it.  The more efforts I put on to forget it, the more I remember my broken words.

It came to my mind again recently when it was raised.  It took me some moment to finally make up my mind after thoughts and attempts to keep ignoring.  I could not hide it anymore in my mind.  A lot of questions asked before; my mind was blank when I thought I would be confused.   Yes, I must have thought about it too much, far more than needed or expected.

Memory cannot be erased but faded.  I bet this one will be.   The hesitating mechanism has been proven wrong over the years and it is time for me to stop looking back.  Nothing could be, can be and will be changed no matter what.  For the sake of everyone actually it comes, came and had come to the end years ago.  I should have let it go so I must let it go.  May every moment we treasured lies softly in the chest in my mind with a lost key.  May every good thing be with you.

反

好忙。今日係星期五，一個星期先返得嚟一次，但係都要忙到OT遲咗返香港。喺火車上random聽到"十年後的我"，我再無好似半年前咁屈住屈住好down我內疚自責，反而覺得好實在，有種"豁達"嘅感覺...

過去呢5個月的確比半年前辛苦好多。呢5個月真係好似打游擊咁，試過唔知聽日又要打啲乜，下個星期又唔知要去邊，留幾耐。啱啱轉行時乜板都(差啲)撞過，自己一直嗰套好似唔係好work，做咗啲嘢又好似無乜嘢睇，信心係有動搖過，曾經迷茫過我應該點算。直至提前過咗試用期，上司安排我做返啲實質嘅tasks，而做嘅tasks又慢慢見到成果，開始gain到同事嘅信任，先覺得啲嘢順返啲，見到前景嘅曙光。而當時咁啱機緣巧合，半推半就下take咗個當時嘅絕地大challenge，最終在我而言唔係成功，但係件事俾咗好多機會我發揮同磨練。係好艱苦，但係依家諗返，好值得。

咁啱呢個星期頭發生咗啲事，而今日又發生咗一啲事，我呢一刻簡直有種飄飄然嘅感覺。之前過去幾年我顧慮、質疑自己嘅能力今日我夠膽講係唔成立嘅。就好似到咗屋企樓下時咁啱聽到"B面第一首"，我依家有嘅係自信同信心好謙卑一步一步小心翼翼部署籌備我想咗10年都無嘅嗰個機會發揮。放工前臨尾三位大頭嘅工作安排其實係好沉重同會有好大壓力，但相反我覺得亦係推動力，因為對我而言我自覺係一種認同，再辛苦我都會欣然接受。

演畢别人 給的戲份

箱底計劃 今天進行

以後無意 討好各人

隨性去找 被錯過的小確幸

當我想起妳

解脫

有一種心情，唔係要得到啲咩，反而係失去啲咩嘅實在感。

以前工作面對嘅壓力唔係嚟自工作本身，而係嚟自環境，嚟自一切所安排，嚟自無理阻撓，嚟自無理之手推倒帶嚟嘅不知所謂莫名挫敗同冤辱。嗰種感覺就好似俾人困住喺個窿度，無論點爬somehow都有莫名嘅原因推返或者令我跌返落底，一切都似真疑假又唔知幾時有人會唔係灌水就丟石頭落個窿度時時都好危險好無助好不安嘅感覺。除咗無比嘅無力感、無窮無盡嘅絕望同失落，仲有隨時俾人愚弄嘅恐畏。

失落，心入面有個結越打越實，亦越嚟越沉重。一到夜晚攤喺張床好自然重複又重複質疑反問自己，我真係咁失敗?  我真係咁無用?  唔知，不過我唔忿氣，好唔忿氣。除咗抑鬱，仲有嘅就係驚慄。嗰陣嘅壓逼真係抖唔到氣。我開始逃避，逃避一切，逃離嗰度。可能亦都係機緣巧合，嗰次我都覺得被放棄。好，對大家都好。

轉咗工已經3個月，亦已提前過咗試用期。由於工作性質有少少唔同，係比以前辛苦，而依家亦比之前想像多咗好多出差，收工攤落張床都係攰，而成績撫心自問亦未到水平，係會自責，但係與其話係壓力，我反而覺得係推動力。

依家嘅工作都有挫敗，但好開心，邊度跌倒我邊度爬返起身，如果唔係我就蓄勢等機會。試過俾大老闆鏟到來回地獄又折返人間，事實又真係我嘅過失，無失落，但有奮心，會改同做得更好。我敢講係比以前積極咗，行動上同心態上都係，個人失落咗嘅自信亦慢慢build up返。呢個行業我真係唔熟，起初撞板同俾人笑，但慢慢我估我應該發揮到作用，依家亦開始慢慢俾身邊人接納、工作得到認同。

你問我鍾唔鍾意呢份工我唔識答，但我肯定呢份工相對自在、實際同有成就感啲。起碼比以前做得開心、自然、舒服。

呢期有個機會俾我，糖衣毒物。既已離開，我真係唔想再跳返入個黑洞，一絲都唔想。但今次係又一案例，華麗嘅表面遮唔住人性自私同貪婪嘅醜惡。就如對方所講，佢嘅主張同邏輯就係想作為董事話得事，揸住股票等套現抽身做自己想做嘅事；apply喺我度，錢同股票我無亦唔係我嘅，但我已經抽身，做咩要笨到幫佢做替死鬼仲有行回頭路攞苦嚟辛?  當日見面過後我個心係笑嘅，可能之前做過Marketing同Selling，佢咁嘅presentation真係好唔掂囉。用完全自利立場嘅point嚟sell再求其開空頭支票諗住打動我唔work囉，哈哈～

我滿唔滿意現狀，我只能話有得有失在所難免。有平心自問有無行錯揀錯，我未有答案。但肯定嘅係，我覺得挖條隧道離開咗個窿重見天地肯定無揀錯。而我就算呢刻失去目前所有，我都信我唔行舊路都可以活得、做得精彩，仲要比以前更精彩。總之只要唔喺嗰個世界，我就能開心，就會成功。

HKIE New Members' Reception cum Prize Presentation Ceremony

Ir CHOI Cheung Tai Raymond

2016終於過去

​這是唏噓的一年，但其實我卻得到很多很多。

因為2015年被通知的一件事，我決定了真的要認真為自己打算，畢竟我有我的家要肩負。2016年我給自己最大的目標，就是要得到作為工程師的認同。每步都膽戰心驚，尤其考核過後，那種虛脫及等待判決的著急到現在也揮之不去。記得老婆通知我那刻我身在上海，很高興很興奮，可能是趕得及在7月前吧。

本應在2014年就放下的心血，過去也一直克制自己要抽離，但因當前負責的同事年初家中有事而讓我從新接觸。那微妙的感覺很快使我過度投入，其後導致那同事不悅，使其覺得冒犯，但我從心真的沒有為此而感到懊悔，反覺得那八婆毀了曾為這品牌付出的所有人的心血及所作所為。我不忿那天殺的不屑這品牌這事業；我懊惱這仆街在其位而不去盡其力去了解整個業務，卻一廂情願把前事推倒重來自以為是，最終只落得摧毀一切；我更氣憤這老而不心靈言行打擊曾共我打天下的戰友，我恨不得她早晚失去一切至親至寶，死於非命無處容身。另一邊廂，我感激一個我辜負了信任我的人，是我把她拉進這漩渦而使她最後要被折磨到只好離開。我更對不起一個原本安分守紀因聽從我擺佈卻不得善終的徒弟。望著心血被摧殘至此，不死不活腐爛潰臭，自己卻連親手了結的機會都被褫奪，那無奈及不甘我肯定銘記。但從這災劫中我體會人情之可貴，感恩有這班肯與我共度患難的好妹妹。

那事終於成真，有人歡喜有仁愁。他變得更不可一世、不知所謂、目中無人。他自以為神，能力之大只要他想就會成事，所有人都要等他去安排因為所有人都要依賴他。噁心，真受不了。因前事，其實也如過去九年，我被特別眷顧。導火線是只聽那仆街冚家剷，未了解清楚就判我極刑，而連我發言的機會都拒絕，我不得不放棄，離開。很多人都覺得我是一時之氣，但這九年還累積不夠嗎?  我告知他想往外闖，他只說“好”。就照做，過程有點心急，有焦急，有焦慮，慶幸在誤打誤撞下苦盡甘來。成事，我鼓起勇氣跟他說想要離開，他只冷冷地問了句打算做到幾時。年尾。好。步出他房一刻，感覺尤如天高海闊。及後抽試我的小動作及如堂而皇之憧憬的謊言都像一次次提醒我他的自大、輕視與不實，再加上之後的連番打擊，就算是我的父親，我也覺得侮辱。但真的很感恩，可能是我所作所為很少得到認同，真想不到身邊那麼多人支持我這決定，他們都叫我絕不要回頭，走就走，明天會更好，肯定。更意外聽到很多勉勵和安慰的說話。是，我會的。所以新的一年我會有新的工作，新的生活，還有望重獲失去多年的尊嚴。

這年所經歷使我身心俱疲，心靈的起伏更如折磨。真的感到空虛，很想心靈上有人在我身邊，我要求不高，不求能依偎會慰籍，只求能與我並肩同行。沉溺於過去、妄想、否定，都只是求心能安定。慶幸那一夜那段路那明燈，使我有力氣去走完這年。三、六、九、十二的恩慰是我地獄中救我一命的甘露。我承諾的，我會做到。

9月的最後一天我終於去了等了19年的演唱會。心情與其說是興奮，倒不如說是滿足。一首首熟悉的歌細數我過去，每首歌都牽起某段回憶，但不管原本有多喜多悲，那刻我都覺得是甜的。只是覺得連“花火”都不是廣東話版，太可惜了吧，不過也該慶幸。

離職前的那夜我在辦公室收拾到凌晨，整理舊名片時看著一張張不同時代身份的名片我真的感到唏噓。所做的全被夷平，不留一分痕跡。為了愚忠也好愚孝也罷，我當年的自以為是誤了我過去9年、10年。想著家，捨棄了一段感情，辜負過一個很重要的人，換來自己有個家，卻為了維繫家與家每天“來回地獄又折返人間”。家人是沒得選，只是心不甘。

來年的新事物我不得不承認對前途的未知及不確定覺得有點不安，但我相信我有能力能克服。而等著我的除了挑戰，我更期待的，是希望。

共勉之。